my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
