Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
