i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
