What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
