Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
