three words: i give head
three words: not that well
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
