Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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