I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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