just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
