I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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