Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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