my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
