I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
