Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Randomize
