My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
