Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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