He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
