im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
