i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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