I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Randomize
