they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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