my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I believe in your delicious
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
