I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Randomize
