My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
