yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
