i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
