i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize