Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
