just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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