He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
