Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
