Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
