I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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