you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
