I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
