The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
