He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
