I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
