We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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