Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
