My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
My penis needs a shock collar
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
