I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
