Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
