Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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