One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
