I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
