walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
