420 ftw
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
