Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
3 2 1 whiskey
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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