I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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