Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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