So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
