I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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