ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
