Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
