Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
