He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
