My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Randomize
