the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Randomize
